The Funniest Standup Bits About Tattoos, to Help You Celebrate April Fools’ Day
“I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me, but taller.” –Steven Wright
“I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds; it’s real cheap, it’s cool – it’s a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark.” –Vernon Chatman
“Tattoos are cool because they don’t belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don’t like fruit. I don’t like it! Long bike rides? I’m out. Hot dog eating contest? I’m listening.” –David Attell
“You think it’s trendy for young kids in Japan to get tattoos of words written in English?” – Daniel Tosh
“I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.” –Adam Smargon
“Pamela Lee said her name is tattooed on her husband’s penis; which explains why she changed her name from Anderson to Lee.” –Conan O’Brien
“What kind of tattoo would a librarian get? Books kick ass?” –Jimmy Dore
“When I was eighteen, my best friend was like, “Hey man, let’s go get tattoos.” And I said no. Because I was afraid that I would pick something, and then maybe a few years later the New Nazi would start, and then pick the same thing as their logo. Like all of the sudden there are tanks rolling across Europe with the San Antonio Spurs logo on the side of them, and I look like some huge asshole. So I didn’t do it, and he made fun of me and then went and got a tattoo by himself. Do you wanna know what tattoo my best friend got? He got a tattoo of the name of his favorite metal band… Isis. Have you ever won an argument 12 years later? It feels pretty great.” –Patrick Hastie
“If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber’s calf, he would’ve never started Christianity.” – Natasha Leggero
“The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says ‘Forever.’” –Zach Galifianakis
“You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.” –Robin Williams
“Instead of having a baby, why don’t you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby.” –Chelsea Handler
